Baby Updates

In the Name of the Most High

So, baby Noora is here!  I gave birth to her on November 17.  I had to be induced (with cervadil) because my amniotic fluid was low (but she was fine, alhamdullilah).  My labor was about 24 hours long.  Pushing her out was the best part of the labor… waiting to dilate to 10 centimeters was the worst   Overall, I am satisfied with my birthing experience, though there are a few things I will have to keep in mind for next time insha’Allah.  It’s funny- everyone says that as soon as you see the baby, you forget all about the pain.  Is it terrible that I still remember the pain?  Very vividly?  I guess the fact that I want to do it again with baby #2 (in a few years) means something though.

Noora really is the light of my life.  I had a brief episode of “baby blues” but it was nothing serious and now Noora and I spend the days together.  She mostly still sleeps but she is gradually having more awake time, and I love being awake with her during the days.  I massage her every day and she seems to enjoy that.  So alhamdullilah- things are going very well.

So now on to what is really on my mind.  Last night, we tried to bathe Noora.  It was stupid of us because she was so tired and was not in the mood for a bath.  Plus, she generally hates bath time.  Hates it.  I have to get in there with her and hold her throughout the whole thing.  She screamed and cried inconsolably.  At one point, she was screaming so loudly that she was choking.  We immediately took her out of the bath but by the time we dried her and put her clothes on (so she wouldn’t get cold outside of the bathroom), the damage had been done.  This wasn’t the first time that Noora cried like this.  One time I was driving from the city back home and there was a ton of traffic.  Noora cried so hard, but I was alone in the front seat and there was nothing I could do.

I feel like a terrible mother every time this happens to my poor baby.  Here she is, putting all her trust in me to take care of her and not put her in discomfort, and I do exactly that.  I wonder, does she lose a little bit of her trust in me when this happens?  Does she grow weary of my ability to protect and comfort her?  Maybe this sounds silly to some people, but I am sure it is affecting her somehow.  How could it not?  I was the one who inflicted this pain onto her.  Infants don’t cry just because they are bored.  And even if you are in the school of thought that it’s okay to let babies cry a little, I couldn’t imagine anyone thinking it was okay to let a baby cry until she is choking.  What am I supposed to do to maintain her trust after these crying episodes happen?  I should have known not to take her to the city during rush hour and I should have known not to bathe her while she was exhausted.  Pretty much anyone with half a brain could have figured these things out.

I know I sound pretty melodramatic, but I really believe that babies cry to communicate something to us.  They are unable to communicate otherwise.  And Noora does not even cry very often- when she is hungry or upset, she mostly just whines a little bit and then I figure out what she needs.  When she cries like this, however, she is definitely trying to tell me something.  Maybe she is telling me that she is angry with me and she is losing her trust in me.  Maybe she is telling me that I am not respecting her signals enough.  I don’t know.  I just know that I can’t sleep after nights when she cries like this.

Disney Princesses

In the Name of the Most High

So, I got a link in my email to an interesting site: http://jezebel.com/5390228/disney-princesses-rely-on-good-looks-little-people–men-for-salvation

It’s not the first time that I’ve heard this theory that Disney princess characterizations are harmful to little girls due to the fact that the princesses are projecting images of being weak and demure, and relying totally and completely on men for their salvation.  I actually read through a lot of the comments on the site and did a search on this, and read through some other comments about this very topic (too much time on my hands? maybe… but what else am I supposed to do when I can’t sleep at 5 AM? hehe).  Anyway, my personal thoughts on Disney princesses and female heroines are complex, and I think I am that way because I waver between “traditional” and “modern” definitions of womanhood.  For example, I don’t feel that women are somehow limited in life if they do not have a career and instead focus on their domestic life (I think such sacrifice is quite rare and beautiful in a self-obsessed and self-indulgent society like ours).  However, I get turned off by the sexualization of women and the depiction of women as naive little girls who need a prince to save them… a prince who values them for their beauty above all else.

Women who consider themselves to be feminist are usually the ones who write their critiques and analyses of Disney women, and since I do not fall into that category, I find myself only half agreeing with what they say, and getting annoying by their one-dimensional view of womanhood as well.  So what are my thoughts?  Well, I think what annoys me the most in all these movies is that the princesses/heroines are all beautiful and explicitly valued only for their beauty.  Don’t get me wrong: I have nothing against aesthetics and beauty.  But, when this trait is so overly emphasized and narrowly defined, it can become problematic.  In an age where aging is equated with ugliness, plastic surgeries are considered completely acceptable, and the fashion industry is defining beauty for us… we hardly need this over emphasis.  Also, all these princesses were considered to be very beautiful by their entire societies… there was no questioning their beauty, even if they were considered “strange” (e.g., Belle).  In the case of Belle, the most “handsome” man in town still wanted her, providing validation that she was universally accepted as beautiful even though she was also intelligent.  So, I find this a little disturbing, given that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes… and given that it is perfectly OKAY to have a different taste in beauty than someone else (which all the movies ignore).  Instead, these women are overly sexualized and not always modest in their style of clothing!  I mean, seriously… do we really need to see Jasmine’s entire body to remind ourselves of how beautiful she is?

Some of the readers on the website make comments such as “well, these princesses stood up to their patriarchal fathers and went after their own loves” etc etc.  Personally, I do not find this to be a quality that is deserving of praise.  Ariel’s father was concerned for her safety and was protecting his 16-year-old daughter.  Jasmine’s father had only her happiness in mind when wanting her to marry, and he was fine with her rejecting suitors.  These naive girls were rebellious for no good reason, and the underlying assumption in all these movies is that parental figures don’t really know what’s best for their daughters.  But, somehow, a 16 year old girl knows best and should actively pursue men who would never have paid attention to them otherwise.  Chasing after a “love” and sacrificing family and all those that love you for such naive impulses is scary and, quite frankly, stupid.  This whole idea of being able to “fall in love” so quickly and then being ready to sacrifice everything in pursuit of that love, sends all the wrong messages to little girls about what love actually is and what it entails.  I have never bought into the “love conquers all” motif so prevalent in this country and so apparent in every movie, book, or other cultural expression.  In fact, I do not think that Love Conquers All and that logic should be thrown out the window when a young girl sees an attractive and mysterious man.  This culture is very influenced by the idea that people can fall in love quickly and mostly based on superficial meetings that mean very little.  Imagine if Prince Eric had never fallen in love with Ariel- what a disaster that story would have been, and at what cost?

I feel a little torn by the theme that irks so many: “the princesses live happily ever after because they fell in love and got married”.  I think that many feminists are annoyed by this message that somehow falling in love and getting married will solve all of women’s problems.  Furthermore, they get annoyed that the prince needed to marry them in order for them to find happiness.  I can understand their argument to a degree, but I guess this is where the anti-feminist in me comes alive.  I personally find no problem in aspiring to be a wife and mother… and finding complete happiness in a marriage without any need for something else.  Perhaps that is a big old fashioned of me- but I happen to think that society would be a lot better off if many women were able to see the importance of how important marriage and family life is to their happiness.  Individual family units are the very building blocks to a society.. without the building block, the foundation, being stable and happy, we will run into all sorts of problems in society.  But, what I do get upset about is how much these women so quickly wanted to sacrifice without any promise or commitment from their men.  There was no ring on their finger, and yet they were ready to sacrifice all for a man they did not know, and who certainly was not committed to them.  Of course, not all their stories are alike- Belle, for instance, was heavily pursued and she held herself steady until the end.  However, in most of the other situations, this was not the case.  How did Cinderella know that her Prince Charming would not treat her with the same disrespect as her stepmother and stepsisters?  How did Sleeping Beauty know that her Prince was not a master of deception as well- just because he could dance and sing, it surely doesn’t mean that he was going to be positive in her life (and she was a girl who was easily fooled, given the whole spindle wheel thing).  I guess what I am arguing would make feminists even more angry: women should not be so eager to pursue love and should not commit to anything unless they have received the following clear signals from men- 1) The men are clearly good and will not abuse them in any way, 2) The men also have shown some sort of interest in them, 3) The men are worth some sort of effort.  And, this can not be done in one romantic meeting where the couple dances until midnight and realize they are in love with each other.  Otherwise, I have no problem with the marriage “and they all lived happily ever after” theme.

Oh, and do not get me started on the fact that the men “saved” the women from their fate.  I am completely with the feminists on this one.  The portrayal of these stupid yet beautiful women who made mistakes and needed the assistance of the handsome prince to save them… oh, gosh, writing that out made me nauseated in itself.

I want to discuss Belle because she does seem to be the one princess that I can tolerate.  The biggest criticism against her is that she fell in love with a man who abused her and stayed in a relationship that was obviously unhealthy.  That if a good and patient woman stays with a man long enough, she can “change” him.  I can understand and agree to a certain extent.  But, I guess my counterargument is that she never really fell in love with him until the very, very end.  She was not in a “relationship” with him by any means… she was coping with a situation and trying to make the best of it.  In fact, if she had fallen in love with him earlier, he would have been saved earlier (i.e., transformed to a prince)… but it was not until the very end that she even realized she had feelings for him at all.  She had no expectations he would change so that she could marry him and live happily ever after… in fact, she left him to go back to her father.  He was the one sacrificing at the end everything he had for her… and she was still somewhat on the fence.  She changed him, not because she wanted to marry him, but because she was kind and knew how to make the best of a situation that was dismal.  I guess.  (Still have not completely made up my mind about this).  But, in the end, of course she was most valued for her beauty and it was her beauty that validated her existence.  It is okay to fall in love with a man who is not universally handsome, but the women should always be beautiful by EVERYONE’S standards.

So, will I let my daughters watch Disney cartoons?  After all, I LOVED these movies growing up, and I think I turned out alright?  Maybe I’m reading too much into these movies?  This may be the case, but I am still worried about what messages I want to send to my daughter, even subconsciously, about what a woman is and what she should value in her life.  I don’t want her to view her father as an obstacle to her one true love in life.  Or I don’t want her to believe that unless society as a whole accepts her as beautiful, she is otherwise ugly.  I don’t know.  I guess we’ll see.

Odds n Ends

In the Name of the Most High

I’m horrible at updating my blog.  There’s a lot that I have to talk about and discuss that I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I’ll start with the obvious: I am due in about 4 weeks.  I have so many mixed emotions…. I feel eager, impatient, worried, excited, emotional, happy, content, nervous… all the usual I guess.  I just know that my life will completely change in about a month, and all I can do is wait and be patient until it comes.  I spent a lot of my second trimester worried about labor and the actual birthing process, but I actually am not too anxious about that part anymore.  Sure, it will be painful and difficult, but I mean… I expect that… and I’m actually looking forward to the process.  It is a powerful experience that bonds women together throughout the ages and it is just what I have to go through to bring my baby into this world.  I consider the experience a blessing on so many levels- with hardship there is ease (as stated in the Quran).  I recently visited a woman from my birthing class who had her baby about a month ago… we both had fears that the pain would be so intense that we would feel like we were dying.  And even though this woman didn’t have an easy birthing experience (3 hours of pushing, and had to use a vacuum at one point as well as a little bit of pitocin), she said she never felt so alive during labor and not once did she ever feel like she was about to die… and she did the whole thing with no pain medication.  I loved that phrase: “never felt so alive”.  I trust that my midwife will not make my birth a traumatic experience for me as so many births are in the U.S. (unfortunately)… I trust that my midwife will also help me to feel so alive.

Healthcare and racism: I don’t even know where to start with this.  From the townhall meetings to the ridiculous debates to the removing of the public option… I’m always surprised that those who would benefit the most from a public option are the ones who resist it the most.  As usual, people have no idea what they are talking about and just shout out slogans: “socialized medicine” “long waiting lines like in Canada” etc. etc.  I sometimes don’t understand democracy- doesn’t a democracy assume an informed public?  Unfortunately, I feel like we form opinions about things based on our instinct and what the corporate owned media tells us rather than evidence-based findings.  Not only do we not understand what we are arguing about most of the time, but we somehow think that the person who screams the loudest has the most valid point.  People who are studying health care at the university level don’t even understand the intricacies of our health care system… how does the average person become an expert in 2 weeks?  They listen to either Glenn Beck or Keith Olbermann and believe they are an authority in the matter.  The truth is, our health care system is extremely complex and before we make decisions about what it should look like in the future, we need to understand what it looks like now.  And I doubt most people even have the slightest clue.  Also, the underlying racism in these debates is so blinding that I wonder at those who do not recognize it.  The tea party protests (or whatever they are) are so muddled with racism that I am surprised that anyone would argue otherwise.  People are just showing their ugly heads under the guise of health care or whatever else they pretend to care about.

Final thoughts: my career.  I’m so confused about the next steps in my life and making a wrong decision.  I know that this has been an underlying theme in all my recent posts, but I’m just so torn about what I am supposed to do in my life.  I’m okay with taking a break, but at what point should I go back?  And if I go back into the career world, what would I do?  Should I just get my PhD?  Should I look for a more flexible career that will allow me to set my own hours- if so, what would that be?  Should I even be thinking about this now?  What if I decide to homeschool- would I even be able to have a career… what would that look like?  And, yes, I am considering homeschooling, for a little bit anyway.

Lots of emotions and thoughts.

Pregnancy Dreams

In the Name of the Most High

Ever since about my 3rd month of pregnancy, I’ve been having really bizarre (at best) and frightening (at worst) dreams.  Some examples include:

1) I didn’t know who the father of my baby was.  Enough said.

2) My husband was pregnant… for the second time.  I asked him what happened to his first child and he told me that he miscarried his first and was REALLY hoping that this second one would make it.

3) My family rushed me during labor so that they could make it to my sister’s soccer game.  I only had 4 hours to give birth and recover, otherwise everyone was going to leave me, including my husband.

4) After I gave birth, everyone was trying to separate me from my baby.  I kept calling out for her, but nobody was listening and they wouldn’t tell me where they put her.

5) I was in labor but I had no contractions.  The baby was stuck inside of me forever.

6) I gave birth, but the baby had not progressed past 10 weeks.

And the list goes on… These dreams have been hard for me to handle.  In them, I always feel a sense of loss, fear, isolation, and tragedy.  The one about my husband being pregnant was slightly amusing, but it was hard for me because I kept thinking that he would love his own child more than he would love mine (incidentally, in the dream, he became pregnant on his own so I had no relation to the child).

I think my subconscious is going a little nuts on me.  I know that my sleep cycle as a pregnant woman changes, and that I spend more time in “active sleep” (i.e., not deep sleep) where dreams occur more frequently.  So it would make sense that I would remember my dreams more vividly than I previously did when I was not pregnant.  And I suppose it’s natural for my fears to play themselves out in dreams.

But, still.  I hate waking up, feeling terrified, and then having to wait a few seconds before I realize that I am safe, secure, and in a loving environment.  A lot of these fears are irrational and it’s strange that they would be buried somewhere in my psyche.  I just can’t believe how affected I am right now.  I’ve never felt like this in my entire life before.  Even getting married wasn’t really a big deal for me… I wasn’t fearful, and I certainly didn’t have any crazy dreams.

I’m so in love with this little baby inside of me who is kicking me and squirming around as I type   I love that she is so active, and I just feel so connected to her.  I talk to her every day and worry about everything and anything related to her.  I feel the burden of responsibility on my shoulders… she is so in need of me, and I need her too.  With every kick, I am reminded that I am a woman, wife, and mother- and all the powerful things that come along with that.  That I am able to carry this baby is a need I’ve had for a very long time.

May God protect her and give me the strength to care for her.

Discrimination?

In the Name of the Most High

I have been dealing with feelings of inadequacy throughout my pregnancy.  When I found out I was pregnant, we had just moved to our new area and I was working part time at home at a job that didn’t challenge me and that had no opportunity for growth (because I dropped out of my PhD program and got this job as a “transition” job until I could find something else).  I am still working at that job because my husband and I decided that right now wasn’t the time to embark on a challenging career path.

I have always been challenged academically or in the work force with more than I could handle at most times in my life.  I had a friend in high school whose motto was “Bite more than you can chew, then chew like hell”… and I liked that philosophy and realized that I was living it every day.  Whether I was in middle school and taking college courses during my summer vacations or receiving grants to perform research abroad or traveling 90 miles (one way) as a professional at a job where I worked 10-12 hours a day- I have always been busy, ambitious, and anxiously looking for opportunities to grow professionally and academically.  Since arriving in our new location, my self-perceived idleness has left me feeling completely and utterly inadequate.

So.  A few weeks ago, I decided to apply for a few jobs.  One that I applied for was a research coordinator position at a very prestigious university nearby.  A few days later, I was asked to come in for an interview.  At that point, I was about 20 weeks along and was showing… but I could easily hide my stomach behind a new maternity shirt I got and with my suit coat that I left unbuttoned.  I stressed about whether or not I should tell him I was pregnant, and I had to remind myself that I didn’t even know if I wanted a job right now.  My husband made it pretty clear that he didn’t want me to get involved in a job like this until after the baby is born and I’ve had time to adjust to my new lifestyle.  Still, my profound feelings of inadequacy made me curious about what I could do to make it work, given that it was a very good opportunity for my career.

At the interview, I answered his questions very well and we talked a lot about my experiences.  He commented more than once that he was “very impressed” with my educational background, and when I told him about my previous work experience, he said that I was “exactly” what they were looking for.  At one point in the interview, he said that I had the skill set that was lacking in his current research coordinators that he was so desperately seeking.

I nailed the interview.  And then.  He asked me if I had any questions for him.  I then told him I was pregnant.  He was very professional about it, and because he couldn’t legally ask me any questions about my pregnancy, he didn’t.  I left the interview laughing because I knew I had aced it before the talk of my pregnancy came up.  And while I knew that it was technially illegal for him to discriminate against me because of my pregnancy, it wasn’t going to stop him from doing so and just cite another reason for not hiring me if he had to justify it to anybody.

I always thought that if I were to be discriminated against, it would be for wearing a hijab (headscarf).  I never thought that it would be because I am a woman and I am going through something that most women will go through in their lifetime.  This incident really made me reflect on the status of women in today’s modern society.  Women have worked so hard to be equals in the workforce, that it has backlashed.  A man justified discriminating against pregnant women in the workforce by saying: “Well, if I were to hire a man, and I knew that before hand he would have to take 3 months off for whatever reason, I would be hesitant to hire him too.”

What a wrong analogy!  We are expected to reproduce, and yet we are punished for doing so?  Equal rights is not what I want.  I want to be a woman, and everything that comes along with that.  While men are able to move straight up their “career ladder” in a linear fashion, women sometimes need a little break but can shoot back up that graph very quickly, if given the right opportunities.  In this gender-neutral obsessed society that is so determined to make production the end-all and be-all of life, women have set up unrealistic expectations for themselves and we just set ourselves up for failure.

We can not be the same as men.  Men don’t have to carry around a baby in their womb for 9 months, go through delivery, and then breastfeed.  Women have a lot that they are able to add to the workforce, but we just do it differently than men.  That we haven’t taught men this simple lesson yet says a lot about our own priorities.  Maybe that’s why women are delaying having children until their mid to late thirties and early forties.  This is also a mistake- it makes more of us high risk (during pregnancy in particular), and we put ourselves and our children in more vulnerable positions.  We are breaking down in family structure, and women are left with such difficult decisions to make.  And… I think we have done a lot of this to ourselves by demanding things like gender neutrality.

I know for a fact that I could have added so much to the job that I applied for.  I was doing virtually the same thing in my previous position- and I did very well at my previous job.  I was the youngest person in that position and yet quickly rose to the top and earned a reputation of being meticulous with my work.  One of the reasons I was working such long and hard hours was because many of the investigators I worked with were giving me a lot of responsibilities that they didn’t trust to give to my other colleagues (with some exceptions of course).  But, unfortunately, we live in a male-dominated society where pregnancy is seen as a weakness and a deficiency, and taking some time off for a few months to raise a newborn child (and maybe not even completely… I am very efficient at working from home) is perceived as an inherent flaw in someone.

We as women are told over and over again that we can be like men in every way possible.  We believe this lie, and it leads us to make mistakes in both our careers and our families.

My Husband

In the Name of the Most High

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the qualities that my husband has that I completely take for granted.  Sometimes it helps to write these thoughts down because when someone is so subtle in their grace and humanity, it is easy to ignore their every day heroism.  I don’t want to just list off his good qualities because I know I’d forget to acknowledge too many.  I’ve never had to worry about my husband thinking about other women, being scared of commitment, or running from responsibilities in life.  When we have had very little in our lives (financially speaking), he completely cuts from himself and buys me gifts so I don’t get too worried about our situation.

I think the most remarkable thing is that when people see him, they are not really impressed.  He is mostly quiet, doesn’t give his opinion too freely, and lacks charisma that women find so charming.  I don’t think people generally find him that interesting, and he isn’t much of a philosopher.

There is some sort of saying in America that nice guys never win.  I don’t know if they mean nice so much as they mean “nice/simple/sensitive”… and it’s strange to me that women complain that there are no good guys left in the world when I really believe they are just ignoring all the really good men. The way we have defined gender roles, at least in America, makes me shudder.  I sometimes don’t blame people who say they want a more gender neutral society, not because I agree with them, but because our female and male identities have dissipated and are replaced with senseless ideals that neither men nor women should strive for.  It’s no wonder that men are leaving their responsibilities in search of “freedom”and women feel pressure to dive into their career at the expense of raising their children in a healthy way.

I don’t want to get TOO much into gender in America… I think there is way too much to cover.  My main point is that a lot of times, these gender roles have confused people about what qualities to look for in the opposite sex.

My husband has never commented about the appearance of another woman.  He has never whined about his situation or yearned for something he didn’t have.  He can not lie to people, even if his honesty will get him into trouble.  He is never wasteful, and will always give me the best thing to eat/drink/use, while he finishes the leftovers so that it doesn’t go to waste.  He will always make himself useful and never sits around waiting to be served, particularly when traveling/camping/etc.  He will always sacrifice his own needs to give to his family.  He hasn’t taken a vacation in years nor has he himself lived particularly comfortably, but I have never heard him complain.  He has never asked me to do anything that I am not comfortable with.  He doesn’t restrict me on baseless things but does have a certain degree of protection over me that I feel secure with.  I have never seen him act less than chivalrous with every woman he has ever met.

And I could go on.  So this post has been a tribute to my husband… and all the other unnamed heroes who are defining real manhood for me over and over again.  Thank you for opening my eyes.

Thoughts About Iran

In the Name of the Most High

I’ve been avoiding writing about Iran for awhile.. in fact, I’ve been avoiding talking about Iran with people in general.  I can barely talk to my own family about the events there without getting annoyed and just changing the subject.  I figure, there are enough overnight experts on Iran that the world could do without another opinion.  Yeah, I’m being cynical and sarcastic.

When the results of the election first came out, my entire family was at my parent’s house having dinner.  We had just gotten an ultrasound done earlier that day and the news that my baby was healthy and well was the only thing that seemed to matter to me.  My husband and I did vote earlier that day (for Mousavi), but the importance of the election faded a little into the background for me.  Upon hearing that Ahmadinejad had won the elections, someone close to me claimed, “Oh, it was definitely rigged!”  I had my suspicions about the election, but to hear this person just shout that out with such certainty, shocked me a little.  This person did not even know the name of the other two candidates who were running for president, and the bold statement rubbed me the wrong way.

Then, I realized that EVERYONE was saying the same thing.  People who had NO idea about any of the politics in Iran were suddenly making claims about Iran that they had no authority to make.  Instead of trying to learn more about the power structure of Iran or modern Iranian political history, these people made bold assertions of the Iranian regime and even bolder statements about what the people of Iran supposedly want.  All of a sudden, the people of Iran want another revolution that would make the country secular, the protests became a feminist movement, and the current Iranian regime was nothing but a monolithic group of bloodthirsty savages.  The constant coverage on CNN became so nauseating with their pseudo-intellectuals that I literally had to watch Disney cartoons to keep myself sane.

I am in no way insulting those with informed opinions who have legitimate concerns about the Iranian regime.  In fact, I tend to be critical of Iran’s power structure, its ruling entities, its corruption, and most of all… its lack of transparency.  My biggest problem with Iranian government has always been that I don’t understand them.  I have no idea what happens behind closed doors, and I am pretty sure that a lot happens that we do not know anything about.  My ignorance of all this makes it difficult for me to make a decision about anything concerning them.  People who ideologically support or oppose the government pretend they have the inside information about all this, but at the end of the day, their statements are mostly conjecture.  The lack of transparency is what gets Iran into so much trouble: the shutting down of newspapers, the imprisonment of dissidents, and the many levels of corruption people witness on a daily basis.  Those who ideologically support the Iranian government (sometimes to the point where I believe is dangerous), hammer the point that the US and Britain have been meddling in the affairs of the Iranian government since its very inception and that they are working with these dissidents to overthrow the Iranian regime so that they can replace it with a regime more friendly to the US (e.g., Egypt and Saudi).  I understand that point and it is well-taken considering I have seen some evidence of that in even the US media… but, how much can they keep blaming foreign powers for their internal affairs?  Why not expose these things?  Why not allow a free media that will inform the general public and make the Iranian gov more accountable to its people?  With no such pressure (and which poplace does not want this from their government?), the Iranian government can blame foreign meddling until the end of time, and people will have no way of ever knowing what REALLY happened.

It has been difficult to write this post.  I am trying to be as objective as possible… and I am distrustful of mostly everything I read and everybody I talk to.  If the US was really interested in promoting democracy in the Middle East, it would not continue its blinding support for Saudi and Egypt, two countries which have no elections WHATSOEVER.  Two countries whose routine repression of people is well-documented and where protests are not even permitted under ANY circumstance.  If the US were REALLY interested in democracy in the Middle East, it never would have overthrown (in 1953) a democratically elected leader in Iran becase he wanted to nationalize Iranian oil.  I am dubious of mostly anybody who claims anything about Iran with 100% certainty, and I have come to respect those who can simply say…. I don’t know.  And perhaps our not knowing is indicative of some of the changes that need to be made in the Iranian regime.

Late Night Walk

In the Name of the Most High

Last weekend, my brother-in-law (husband’s brother), came to visit for the weekend.  At around 10ish on Saturday night (it may have been closer to 11ish… I forget), we decided to go for a quick walk in a well-lit street by our apartment.  My husband and I frequently go walking, and I need an evening move-around sometimes (maybe I should just get a treadmill?  haha, right, where would I put it?)

So as we were walking, there was someone in a truck that was driving next to us.  At first, I didn’t pay attention to the person.  And then he honked.  I looked around to make sure that there was nobody else around that he may have been honking at.  I still did not make much sense of it… plus, my husband was distracting me.  He stopped at the light, and when the light turned green, I didn’t notice at first, but he was driving very slowly next to us.  When I turned my head and finally realized something was going on, the one car behind the truck (a young lady riding a red car) honked her horn very loudly at the truck, and he sped away.

I’ve not been able to take my mind off this incident.  Why had this man in the truck decided to honk at us and then follow us in his car?  My first thought was that it was because we were Muslims, but maybe I shouldn’t assume that.  But, honestly, why else would he be following two men and one woman who were laughing and having a good time otherwise?  I was also fully covered, so it wasn’t any sort of sexual harrassment.  Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but I somehow doubt this.  I’ve become more self conscious now of how people look at me, wondering how much hate they may hold for me in their hearts.

At my old job, I once told a colleague of mine that people DO look at me differently, but I’ve just gotten used to it.  He didn’t really want to believe that was true, but one day, we walked through a very public place together outside of the work context, and he immediately told me that he realized that people DID look at me differently.  I was oblivious to those particular people’s stares, but with this recent incidence, I’ve become more aware and conscious of people’s reactions to me.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t frustrate me.  I guess I am okay with it for the most part for myself (I can’t control ignorance, so whatever), but I worry about raising children here.  Will my children always feel unaccepted by the “mainstream”?  Will they be embarrassed by their parents?  Will they choose to live a different lifestyle solely for the reason of “fitting in”?

Raising Children

In the Name of the Most High

I have been so neglectful of this blog, and I promised myself I would not let that happen.  So, I need to be better about updating.  The truth is, my mind has been so occupied by my pregnancy, and it was on the DL for so long, that I felt dishonest writing about anything else.  I know that sounds pretty self-centered and as if my mind is only focused on one thing, but what can I say… I’m so happy, excited, and… terrified.

I’ve always had a bit of a fear of raising children in this day and age, particularly when I see so many social issues here that really bother me.  But, when I got pregnant, this fear compounded and now I feel like I am THIS close to having a panic attack every other day.  It’s not the early years I worry about, as I am guessing those are physically the hardest but emotionally and mentally the easiest.  All the books I have come across are great for the first 3 years, but then after that, I feel kind of lost and on my own.

I feel like the cycle of childhood/parenthood has changed so much.  Back in the day (what “day” I’m unsure), children were seen as an investment.  You bred, raised your children, and the children helped you, cared for you, and the family unit was supposed to stay strong even when the children got married and had kids of their own.  I look around now, and I see such detached families and poor family structures, and it scares me.  I am the type of person who talks to my mom every day on the phone, love when my parents come and visit, and cry when I miss them.  I want to care for them in old age and base my life around what they are doing.  When I tell people this, they look at me like I have attachment issues or that I am living my life for them.  This confuses me immensely- my parents sacrificed their entire lives for their children- really, what am I sacrificing in return?  (And, by the way, I expect my husband to have the same devotion to his parents, though geographic distance is not much an issue for his family in general.  I think this has to do with the fact that they feel at “home” in their society in Iran and don’t feel like strangers in a strange land).

This individualistic mentality is so pervasive in the US that I get terrified of raising my own children.  Forget any expectation of them sacrificing for me- I don’t really care about that.  But, generally, it is difficult to raise children well in a society that often sees parents as the enemy and friends/social life as the only outlet.  I see children who really have no idea what they are doing think that they have all the answers and push their parents out of their lives.  Don’t get me wrong- I had my rough patches growing up… but I get worried about the next generation of kids here.  I feel the general trend here is that parents feel like they have little control over their kids, and that kids don’t give their parents the type of respect that is generally required for parents to be effective in guiding their children.

Maybe I am overreacting, and there never was a “back in the day” when children were more respectful, obedient, and open with their parents.  Maybe I take what my parents say about their own relationship with their parents a little too seriously- after all, it was a different culture and I know they had their own problems too.  But, still… I fear for what this all means as far as parenting goes for me.  There are a ton of other questions I have (and perhaps I will discuss more in future posts), but this main point is the overarching theme for everything.

I am a worrywart, and my observations are probably skewed to my own experiences.  I think I need to just enjoy everything for now, and take things as they come.  Is that the normal thing to do?

Happy

In the Name of the Most High

For the first time in a long time, I feel completely content in my life.  Alhamdullilah, I am more receptive to things happening in my life, and everything seems to be falling into place.  But best of all, my faith is strong, and He has blessed me with increasing certainty.

I absolutely love the book The Brothers Karamazov.  The book is so insightful about the human mind and spirit… the characters are so complex and real, and nobody is truly 100% evil- instead, they all offer some sort of insight into the human condition.  The following excerpt is a quote from a monk in the story, on his deathbed:

“Young man, be not forgetful of prayer.  Every time you pray, if your prayer is sincere, there will be new feeling and new meaning in it, which will give you fresh courage, and you will understand that prayer is an education.  Remember too, every day, and whenever you can, repeat to yourself, ‘Lord, have mercy on all who appear before Thee today.’  For every hour and every moment thousands of men leave life on this eart, and their souls appear before God.  And how many of them depart in solitude, unkown, sad, dejected, that no one mourns for them or even knows whether the have lived or not.  And behold, from the other end of the earth perhaps, your prayer for their rest will rise up to God though you knew them not nor they you.  How touching it must be to a soul standing in dread before the Lord to feel at that instant that, for him too, there is one to pray, that there is a fellow creature left on earth to love him too.  And God will look on you both more graciously, for if you have had so much pity on him, how much mor will He have pity Who is infinitely more loving and merciful than you.  And He will forgive him for your sake.”

“Brothers, have no fear of men’s sin.  Love a man even in his sin, for that is the semblance of Divine Love and is the highest love on earth.  Love all God’s creation, the whole and every grain of sand in it.  Love every leaf, every ray of God’s light.  Love the animals, love the plants, love everything.  If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things.  Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day.  And you will come at last to love the whole world with all-embracing love.  Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled.  Do not trouble it, don’t harass them, don’t deprive them of their happiness, don’t work against God’s intent.  Man, do not pride yourself on superiority to the animals; they are without sin, and you, with your greatness, defile the arth by your appearance on it, and leave the traces of your foulness after you.”

“They talk of hell fire in the material sense.  I don’t go into that mystery and I shun it.  But I think if there were fire in the material sense, they would be glad of it, for, I imagine, that in material agony, their still greater spiritual agony cannot be taken from them, for that suffering is not external but within them.  And if it could be taken from them, I think it would be be bitterer still for the unhappy creaters.  For even if the righteous in Paradise forgave them, beholding their torments, and called them up to heaven in their infinite love, they would only multiply their torments, for they would arouse in them still more keenly a flaming thirst for responsive, active and grateful love which is now impossible.”